what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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