I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
