3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
