I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
