I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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