I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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