Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
