woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
