he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
