i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
