a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
