im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
