I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
