He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
