Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
