OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
