Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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