Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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