I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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