sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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