You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
