I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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