yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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