Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Randomize
