I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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