I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize