The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
