remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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