yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
