I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
