sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Drake has all the answers
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
