btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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