OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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