I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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