theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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