you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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