Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
