hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today