Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i need some magic done to my vagina
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!