I wish I only lived at night.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list