Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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