Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
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