i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
