Swine flu. Run for my life!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
