Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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