Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
