im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
