I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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