Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
ttyl tear gas
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
