I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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