Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
