Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
