I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize