the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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