Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
