the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
