I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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