Four minutes until I can fart!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
