i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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