i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
